


The Condemned And Errant

by earthphoenix (roughknuckles)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, Fights, Homophobic Language, Love/Hate, M/M, Rough Kissing, Self-Hatred, Unforgivable Curses (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-29
Updated: 2007-10-29
Packaged: 2018-02-10 21:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2040039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roughknuckles/pseuds/earthphoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus and Sirius fight all the time. Severus has come to hate, but enjoy how it feels to have someone like Sirius beat him. But then Severus stands up for himself in the most extreme way, using an unforgivable curse against Sirius. </p>
<p>(incomplete plot/story arc)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Condemned And Errant

Severus sank to the floor in the prefects bathroom after having sealed himself inside. His nose wouldn’t stop bleeding no matter what he did. He hated Black. He hated that he was so popular and so quick with comebacks and he especially hated that he was on the quidditch team, which made him strong enough to push Severus up against the wall and pin him there for as long as he wanted to matter how much he struggled. He hated it, because all he found himself wanting to do is kiss him, his skin his lips and push him over onto his back and be strong enough to hold his wrists down while he kissed him more and more and Severus was getting a bonner in the bathroom already thinking about it.   
  
And he hated that too. He hated that Sirius was right, that he was such a freak, because here he was getting off on the idea of kissing boys – but not just boys – Sirius Black. And he hated that Sirius wasn't in Slytherin like he was supposed to be, and he hated feeling like some dark creature left in the basement, which was not much different then how it was at home. Drawing his knees up to his chest, Severus hugged himself in place of anyone ever doing it for him. The only person who ever dared touch him was Sirius anyway, but it usually meant that he went away with a broken nose, like he did now.  
  
The bathroom door rattled, a voice calling inside, "Oi, Remus! In there? What's the matter, flush yourself down?"  
  
And of course, there he was, the devil with the perfect smile and style and confidence. But Severus was no angel, just some sort of sludge in some pit of hell which the devil would spit into every now and again. But even then, Severus couldn't help but be attracted to the devil. He was becoming attracted to rejection. It’s why he got up and wiped his nose with the back of his hand and opened the door, "He’s not in here."  
  
Sirius's smile vanished and he stepped back, glaring. The pureblood had his hand wrapped in a reddening shirt and only wore his grey sweater now on top. "So-" he ground the words out, "that's where you're hiding."  
  
"Yes." Severus sneered, "So go find your little playmate elsewhere."  
  
Sirius's grey eyes narrowed even more, glittering as he put his foot in the door, then his shoulder, "What did you just call him? My ... what?" He looked Snape over and his jaw clenched, "Takes one to know one, doesn't it, Snivelly?"  
  
"You would know." Of course he was attracted to Sirius. Sirius Black hated him like Severus’s parents hated him. And where there should have been love, there was abuse, and Severus accepted it just the same. _I hurt you because I love you,_ was not a deluded statement for Severus, it was what he understood. Therefore, with that reasoning, Sirius Black hurt him because he loved him too. "Get out of my way." Of course the Gryffindor wouldn't, and it would escalate into another fight and there would be more grabbing and pushing and bleeding, but it was wonderful and he hated it.  
  
"Big words for a man who just had his nose reduced ... manually of course. I'd feel bad for my wand if I made it hex you." Sirius shoved Snape back and walked in after.  
  
Severus pushed Sirius’s hand away instantly, "Get out of here, you’re not a prefect." He stood his ground when confronted, it was only after confrontations that he would hide away and lick his wounds. He was never afraid. And those who suggested otherwise found little too late just how much the strange boy held back before.   
  
"Congratulations, you just stated the painfully obvious." Severus was shoved back into a stall.  
  
And Severus pushed back, wildly to be an animal caged and pushed into a corner. Though exhausted from their previous fight, he still managed to pull his fist back and knock Sirius into his pretty little face. He would destroy that face if he could, maybe then he wouldn't be so attracted to him.  
  
Sirius's head snapped back but he reached out, grabbing Severus by the shirt and slamming him into the wall of the stall, "What!? HIT A SORE SPOT!? What are you, a bloody SISSY boy? Staring at my ass? Is that what you do all day long?"  
  
 _Yes_. Yes, he was all those things. His mother was right and his father was right and his grandparents were right and Sirius Black was _always_ right. Severus kneed and kicked and punched Sirius as much as he could, though didn’t even scream or bother to yell. Parts of him stopped functioning by the time they got to his point. He pulled at Sirius’s hair, yanking back to pull the strong boy off of him.  
  
Sirius gasped, and wrestled Snape down to the floor, pinning the boy's arms and legs, glaring icy daggers down at him. "What sort of MAN likes other blokes, Huh? You'll never BE anything like that, you'll never have a FAMILY!" He slapped Severus in the face, open-palmed before pinning his arm again, "HOW do you expect anyone to want to KNOW YOU? You have NO FUTURE! NONE! YOU'LL NEVER ADD ANYTHING TO THIS FAMILY YOU LITTLE FAG!" He paused, hearing himself. Just for a moment. Sirius absolutely froze.  
  
Severus heard it too, though didn't say anything. He didn't struggle, but just starred at Sirius, now knowing, his heart beat with the rhythm, _you too, you too, you too_. But rather then relief, their was more anger, rage. Sirius was perfect, they didn't have anything in common, they weren’t supposed to have anything in common, Sirius was better then that, he was a Black, he was always better then that, better then everyone.   
  
Sirius's shaking hands went to Snape's neck, clasping tightly, thumbs against Snape's windpipe, his face white with rage. "If you ... say ... anything-" he warned, whispering.  
  
Severus made no promises. He continued to stare at Sirius, wondering if it would be better if the pureblood went ahead and did as he was threatening to do.  
  
"Swear it, RIGHT NOW! SWEAR IT!" Sirius shook Severus roughly, panting, sweating now, almost sick to his stomach.  
  
"No-" Severus cringed as his head was slammed against the tile floor.  
  
The pureblood stopped, panting, staring down at Snape. "Fuck ..." He half moaned, letting Severus go, to lunge at the toilet just in time to vomit into it over and over again, his back shaking.  
  
Severus scrambled to his feet, dizzy even though he stood solidly on his feet, his focus drifted. He knew he now had his wand in his hand, and he wanted Sirius to turn, to turn and attack him again because then he would use the cruciatus curse, which he had no business knowing and certainly no business using in school. But he’d watch Sirius suffer and beg and be in pain for once, just before he got himself expelled, but it would be worth it, he was running out of things to live for anyway.   
  
Sirius threw up until only bile came out, bitter and yellow-green and he slumped back against the stall wall, looking up at Severus's wand. His grey eyes closed and he just laughed quietly, "Go ahead. Go right ahead, I don't give a shit at the moment. You're going to go tell them all anyway ... so fuck it. You might as well, hope you like Azkaban."  
  
Severus questioned himself, and that made him angry and hate Sirius more for it too. He wanted to run from the disgusting sight of Sirius Black, everything he wasn't supposed to be, dirty and disgusting and more like Severus with each passing moment, "You think I won’t?"  
  
"I fucking dare you to. I'd rather be dead than have it get out that I was in the loo with YOU after all this gets out."  
  
"CRUICIO." It came all too quickly from his lips, with all too much anger and resentment. And Severus did experience relief from uttering the forbidden words, dark and perfect on his tongue.  
  
Sirius SCREAMED, his back arching as the pain ripped through him like a lightening bolt. Unforgivables only worked if you meant them, and as the pureblood experienced, Severus meant the curse whole-heartedly.  
  
 _Scream. Scream. Scream_. "SCREAM!" Severus was obsessed with the sound now, making him feel more alive then anything else he’d known before.   
  
Sirius's head snapped back and he couldn't help it, he couldn't control the sound of his voice that now almost sounded like three separate voices echoing off of the bathroom walls. When he ran out of breath, his lungs ached, mouth still screaming but nothing coming out.  
  
And that’s when it ended. The curse was removed and Severus stood there, looking at Sirius bent over himself, in pain, just as he should be. The Slytherin broke his wand, it sparked and cried out as if it too were in pain before falling to the floor. He left them both behind without a second look. Broken.

 

*            *            *

 

That night, no one came for Severus Snape. Not Slughorn, not Dumbledore, not even an outraged McGonnagal. The following day, no one came for him either, nor Sunday.  
  
By the time Monday rolled around Sirius Black was back in class, his face still bruised lightly, but otherwise, the pureblood seemed normal ... a little quiet, but normal.  
  
But Severus’s sense of justice turned to outrage. All his belongings had been packed away within hours of casting the unforgivable. He knew he wouldn't be able to take them with him, but he had packed them up just the same for easy disposal. And now that it was Monday and they had classes, and Severus without a wand, he defiantly preferred the concept of Azkaban.  
  
Tuesday morning's mail brought a surprise for the Sixth year Slytherin who never received anything by owl. In the breakfast delivery, a long, slender box was dropped before the sullen boy, with his name on it.  
  
He had spent a good ten minutes just staring at it. Waiting for it to … do anything, correct itself and fly off to be delivered elsewhere. Explode. Anything, really. But it was for him. And after examining it quite thoroughly, he opened it.  
  
The box was from Olivander's with no note inside, but a perfect, new wand for Severus in the customary wrapping.  
  
Severus swallowed and looked up to the Gryffindor table, the only one who really knew it was broken was Sirius Black.   
  
Sirius wasn't watching, but when he looked over he gave Severus a particularly nasty look and then ignored him completely. The marauders stood, laughing at some joke Sirius made and ambled to the exit. Black didn't look back.

 

*            *            *

 

It was horrible. Horrible. He couldn't confront Black again until Friday. Which he did before Sirius was due to play a match against Ravenclaw, "Black" he said coldly as the Gryffindor in his quidditch gear passed.  
  
Sirius turned automatically and cursed under his breath when he saw it was Snape. "What the fuck do you want?" he sneered, tossing black hair out of his face, his gloved hands tightening into fists.  
  
"Answers." The man produced his wand, holding it at the base, pointing it straight up like a finger, "What is this?"  
  
"A wand, idiot." Sirius turned to walk away.  
  
"And-" Severus blocked his way, "Why did you send it to me?"  
  
Sirius pulled up short so as not to touch Snape, as though he were contagious. "I didn't, so get the hell out of my way, I've got a team waiting for me."  
  
"They can wait for their star player. Now tell me, look at me," it was nearly as powerful as casting a spell, "did you send me this wand."   
  
"No, now get the fuck out of my way, Snivellus-" Sirius shouldered past Snape as though he were nothing and tried for the hallway exit.  
  
"One more, Black, and then you may go." Severus pocketed his wand, "Why haven’t you told anyone?"  
  
Sirius waited a moment before shaking his head, "Can't the Spanish interrogation wait I have a GAME to get to. What, some Ravenclaw pay you off to stall me?"  
  
"I see." Severus got an answer from that, "Other things are more important."   
  
For some reason, Sirius seemed frozen again, like before, before he made a very rude gesture at the Slytherin and rushed off, running as fast as he could towards the stands. The athletic Gryffindor cut a fine figure, his cloak snapping behind him, the gear only making his build even more exaggeratedly heroic.  
  
Severus however did not bother with watching the game or waiting to talk with Sirius after it. He returned to school and camped out outside the entrance to the headmaster’s office. Knowing that Dumbledore was at the game, like always. So it gave him time to pace before the stone gargoyle and think about what he was going to say.  
  
Three hours later, the noisy, triumphant Gryffindors came roaring through the hallways, carrying James Potter aloft. Most of the students seemed still caught up in the game, either crushed or elated by the outcome.  
  
Severus turned his back on the scene, wishing that three hours had been four, or five or a week. His mind hardly felt clear but he remained, touching a hand to the stone wall, wondering briefly what force it would take for his skull to be bashed upon it like a tomato.   
  
Black strode in after everyone else, carrying a large trunk full of equipment down the hallway, still glowing with sweat from the game, his hair curling gently where it lay on his shoulders, just a little.  
  
Severus pressed his head against the wall, one arm crossed over his own chest, hand on his shoulder, wishing he could be absorbed into the wall, envying it’s strength and silence.   
  
Sirius put it down and took a few deep breaths, looking up and spotting Snape. "Been there the whole time, have you?"  
  
"Won, did you."  
  
"Can't get anything past that steel trap of a mind of yours, can I, Snape?"  
  
Severus was too tired to care about insults. He had waited every night for someone to come. He waited until the sun came up and another day began.   
  
"Gods-" Sirius laughed at the look on Snape's face, "did I finally shut you up?"  
  
"Bravo. You win again."   
  
"You're really bad at this, you know." Sirius chided mysteriously, picking up the trunk again.  
  
Severus stared dully at the floor and just waited for Sirius to leave.  
  
"Get some sleep, you look like you've been up nights ... waiting for someone." The quiddich player smirked wickedly and walked down the hall, the heavy trunk on one of his wide shoulders.  
  
Severus continued to wait. The halls went quiet as people returned to their dorms, and Severus still stood, waiting against the wall.

 

*            *            *

 

After midnight a tall shape came down the hall and a wand lit in Severus's face, revealing Sirius's cruelly handsome features. "You've officially gone mad, haven't you?"  
  
"Sir-" Severus stuttered before he focused and realized it wasn’t Dumbledore at all. "Where is he" there was something a little hopeless to his tone.  
  
"How should I know, I'm not stalking the old man."  
  
"It’s after hours. You should be in your dorm."  
  
Sirius grabbed Snape by his collar, shaking him again, "What the hell happened to you!?" Sirius seemed disappointed, and oddly enough angry.  
  
"GET OFF ME!" Severus screamed, not yelled, but screamed.  
  
Sirius covered his mouth with one hand, but realized Snape could get free, then tried his other hand, to no avail. "Shut up! Shut up!" he whispered harshly, "not here! Oh for fuck's sake-" he covered Snape's mouth with a hand again.  
  
Reaching up and wrapping his fingers around Sirius’s wrists was about all that Severus could manage, unable to shake Sirius off though kept screaming through the hand over his mouth.  
  
"Fuck-" Snape was struggling too hard, if Sirius even went for his own wand, the dirty little snitch would get loose and tell for certain. Sirius clutched both of Snape's shoulders, pressing them to the wall, "SHUT- shutup, shutthefuckup you crazy bitch! Shut-" Inspiration hit and Sirius, without thinking it through, covered Snape's mouth with his own, more of an angry jamming than an actual kiss at first.  
  
A full minute of surprise, and Severus was silenced, completely shaken though no longer thrashing. Until he bit Sirius and punched him again for his effort.   
  
Sirius gasped and pulled away, his hand going to his stomach and his lip bleeding. When he looked up at Severus, his grey eyes were confused, on so many levels. The Gryffindor straightened and slapped Severus across the face firmly in retaliation before he kissed him again, softer this time, a definite kiss.  
  
Severus managed to fist the front of Sirius’s robes, part of him wanting to throw the other boy off him, part of him wanting him that much closer. But either way, it hurt his head.   
  
Widening his mouth a little, Sirius relaxed slightly, but he couldn't stop shaking. Black stepped closer, into Severus's body, their chests touching as his tongue slipped against Snape's surprisingly warm lips, still ready to fight, but ... but ...  
  
Severus managed to move his lips a little, not exactly sure what to do, but they moved on their own as if trying to capture and recapture Sirius’s lips to keep for his own.  
  
"Mmm-" A small, pleased noise like a purr left Sirius's throat and one of his hands shifted down on Snape's arm as his head tilted up, letting their mouths slide a little and then lock together.   
  
Though Severus was thoroughly mixed up, and pushed Sirius from him again, licking his lips briefly, frowning at the other boy though didn’t know what to say to him.  
  
Sirius stepped back, just as mute. " ... okay ..."   
  
"What are you doing."  
  
"I was trying to stop you-" Sirius sounded a little stunned, "and then ..." He made a vague motion with his hands like two heads being pushed together and stepped backwards, almost tripping over the base of a candelabra.  
  
Severus just starred at Sirius, firmly and a little wild as if he were an animal that would give chase if Sirius ran off too quickly, but still one that should be avoided altogether.   
  
"What are you doing?" Sirius straightened, wary, but of what, he didn't know.  
  
"I'm not doing anything. Get out of here."  
  
"You get out of here." Sirius retorted lamely, his face coloring abruptly.  
  
Severus raised an eyebrow at this but said nothing.  
  
Sirius turned sharply and strode off quickly, one hand raking through his shining, swaying hair as he disappeared into the darkness again.

 

*            *            *

 

Once Sirius was gone, Severus licked his lips obsessively, still tasting Sirius on them while he paced infront of the stone gargoyle a little longer, even when his eyes began to close again. After a while though, he just kept walking until his feet returned him to the Slytherin dorm.   
  
And there, sitting on his bed was a small, white note with the headmaster's handwriting on it.  
  
 _Mr. Snape,  
  
Get some sleep and in the morning come to my office after breakfast.  
  
\- Headmaster Dumbledore  
  
p.s. You should feel your eyes close about ... ... ... now._  
  
The note remained in Severus’s hand as his head hit the pillow, most of his body sprawled out on the bed, still clothed, but sleeping finally, relieved that he could stop guessing and waiting. He knew when and where and why. Finally, his sense of justice which had made him a prefect in the first place would be served.   
  
The morning came slowly, it was raining out, and even at noon, the light was barely bright enough to penetrate the windows.  
  
It was the weekend, and Severus slept hard. He didn’t move, not a twitch since he first collapsed on his bed. When he lazily opened his eyes, he found himself still dressed and in the same position he had fallen into. And of course, the note in his hand. Wiping crust from his eyes Severus slowly sat up, forcing himself to focus, finding himself very slow in doing so.  
  
Dumbledore's note fluttered a little as though calling attention to itself again.  
  
The movement in the palm of his hand made Severus’s eyes open immediately. Not bothering to press his robes or change into new ones, Severus pressed his fingers once through his hair self consciously before bolting from his room and the dorms, only really finding his legs under him by the time he got to the stairs.   
  
This time the gargoyle slid aside for Severus as soon as he appeared, revealing the long, curved staircase.  
  
And though the stairs moved under him, Severus continued to run, one hand against the side of the wall to steady himself until he reached the top and was before the headmaster’s door, knocking quickly.  
  
The door opened smoothly, "Mr. Snape, I hope you had a pleasant rest." Dumbledore waited inside, hands clasped atop his desk. The headmaster seemed tranquil but there was a steely glint in his blue eyes today. "Come in and have a seat."  
  
"YesSir-" Severus panted, "I’m sorry … I’m sorry I've kept you waiting" he said, sitting.  
  
"Thank you. I'd rather we had this talk when you are well-rested." A cup of tea appeared for Snape and for Dumbledore, though the headmaster did not sip his. "I trust you know why I have called you here."  
  
Severus blinked, it of course only occurred to him now, as he was sitting there, that Dumbledore already knew what Severus had been waiting for and intended to speak with him about, "I … believe so, Sir."  
  
"Can you tell me why you did it, Severus?" Dumbledore's eyes bored into Snape's, searching his mind lightly as he waited for an answer.  
  
"Yes." Severus said, "I was angry, and I wanted to hurt him in the best way I knew how." He knew, because he had learned the spell from his mother, for her husband’s pleasure, "And I wanted it to be enough to get me expelled."  
  
Dumbledore sat back in his armchair, his face falling with disappointment. He removed his spectacles, polishing them on the sleeve of his robe and put them back on to regard his reluctant student again. "Severus, risks of Azkaban aside ... why do you want to be expelled?"  
  
"I’m tired of being here, Sir." And Severus was the sort of man who rather force rejection, expulsion, then quitting – even if he provoked said rejection, it was a fine but necessary line in his mind.  
  
"I can understand that school can be a frustrating place for bright young men, but I do try my best to run a tolerable school. What tires you about being here?" Dumbledore's voice was firm, but softer, not accusing.  
  
Severus became firm as well, "I am tired of the dorms, of being kept down there in the pit where evils fester and go unchallenged. I am tired of less then inspiring professors who are more concerned with cultivating social associates then standing for something more meaningful. I am tired of being beaten. I am tired of healing myself. I am tired of pretending to be something I’m not."  
  
Dumbledore absorbed this, taking a full minute in silence, "I cannot dispute your opinions, Severus, because they are so uniquely your own. However, it is true that there is a state of affairs in the Slytherin house that professor Slughorn and I are working together to control. We haven't been successful yet, I know this, and I share your frustration, Severus ... in many respects. As for being beaten, I was not aware that anything of the sort was taking place, and no, I wouldn't tolerate it either ... though I have in the past. But what truly concerns me is your last unhappiness, what is it that you are pretending not to be?"  
  
"A purposeful member of this world!" Severus said angrily, "I am disgusted … Sir." He forced himself to continue calmly, as respect came naturally, "I am disgusted by all the little meaningless rituals of dress, and rest, and wash, and feeding, and working, and writing. I am tired of being so hated and similarly so disgusting- when the first time I feel I've actually done something _worth_ hating, _worth_ labeled disgusting, happened just last week, unchallenged and ignored." Severus rubbed his head, his words not coming as clearly as he would like making him that much more frustrated, "I rather be a criminal then a victim anymore."  
  
Albus held up his hand, stemming Severus's words, "And you have become one." Dumbledore reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a broken wand, setting it between them. "I recognized this as yours when Argus brought it to me. No one, save myself is strong enough to break the wand of another person, and so I deduced that you broke it yourself ... possibly so that it's last spell cannot be traced back to you. Is that true?"  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"You cast an unforgivable on another student, Severus. Did you not?"  
  
"I did."  
  
Dumbledore nodded slowly, his eyes dropping to the wand between them. "I can guess whom, easily, but I'd prefer you told me."  
  
"I attacked Sirius Black, Sir, with the cruciatus curse" he confessed, then sighed, taking the first deep breath in some time.  
  
"An offense that would earn you a lengthy stay in Azkaban, were I to turn you in. Is Mr. Black permanently damaged? I imagine your fury towards him to be ... formidable and irreparable harm is well within your ability, as I'm sure you know."  
  
"The only damage I am aware of is that he didn't report me."  
  
"Do you really think Mr. Black would inform you of the extent of his injuries, Severus? As far as I know, he did not even visit the hospital wing under another pretense."  
  
"I don’t know his condition, one way or another, Sir." Severus said, though knew for certain that there was nothing wrong with his hands, or his lips, or his tongue.   
  
Dumbledore nodded, "He will, of course, be examined and treated for any internal injuries. You are sixteen, Severus, and could be tried as an adult if the ministry sees it that way."  
  
Severus nodded slightly, having accepted that from the moment he cast the curse and left his wand as evidence.   
  
"But ..." Dumbledore sighed, "I don't think I will alert the ministry. I have another punishment in mind for you."  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"Part of that is that you will not leave this school until you graduate with the rest of your class. I know from painful experience that turning you loose on the world, and on yourself may be the worst thing for us all."  
  
Severus combated his anger by curling his fingers around the underside of the edge of his chair where he sat, "Yes, Sir."  
  
"Another part of your punishment will be to come to my office before classes every morning for an hour and a half."  
  
"Yes Sir. May I ask why?"  
  
"I have need of an assistant" the headmaster answered succinctly, "and you will apologize to Mr. Black."  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"And you will repay him in any way he requests that I deem appropriate. Understood?"  
  
"And what do you deem appropriate?" Severus asked, already defensive.  
  
"That will be for Sirius and I to decide. Do not worry, I will not put you in danger of retaliation of any sort. Your repayment will be supervised."  
  
"Yes, Sir." Severus nodded slightly, "Might I ask … did you send me a new wand on Tuesday morning?" clearly it was something that still seemed to unsettle the Slytherin.   
  
"No, Severus ... I did not." Dumbledore seemed puzzled, "I assumed you sent away for it yourself."  
  
"No, Sir." Severus looked his Dumbledore, a trace of fear in his face – if not Sirius – and not Dumbledore – that meant someone else was watching him, interested in his actions, and rewarding them.

**Author's Note:**

> co-authored. originally written for thestralskinphoenixtears


End file.
